Now, I don’t want to sound all snobbish and ‘above stairs’ here, but it takes a certain type of person to repair, install and adjust things around the house. Of course, you can bugger it up yourself, and that’s euphemistically called DIY (although the perfectly useable word “breaking” already exists in the dictionary). Sometimes, though, you need something done which involves potentially dangerous work with gas, electricity or plumbing, and you have to pay someone to come round and wield a spanner or two.
Not being crazed interior (re)design freaks, we don’t have to deal with this sort of thing very often, but in my limited experience of tradesmen and the skilled of hand, I’ve identified a certain character trait…
We had a new gas cooker delivered earlier this year, and had it fitted by the Currys engineers. With the hearty greeting “gotta new cooker foryer, mate”, they appeared one morning and proceeded to do their stuff. First of all, they had to check the pressure at the gas meter…
“You got a problem, mate… something wrong with the valve on your meter. If I can’t get the pressure gauge on it, we’re stuck”. Er… this is an inauspicious start. Surely this can’t be a real problem? But his face says otherwise… there’s that look of “bloody amateur – what are they using the model RT46b gas meter for, anyway? Everyone knows RT46c has lots of improvements”. So I try to do my version of that look, adjusting a couple of forehead muscles to add a hint of “Tchoh! Tell me about it, mate. You wouldn’t believe what the previous owners did to this place”. Unfortunately, I must just end up looking utterly mortified, because he then assures me that a firm tap with a hammer ought to loosen the valve.
So why did he even voice any doubt in the first place? This is the Tradesman Mind Game.
With the gas supply switched off, the assistant unhooks our old cooker and takes it out to the van. Our main man (let’s call him Terry… he looked like a Terry) then takes a look at the cooker-less gap and develops an even blacker look than before. “Your gas pipe’s in the wrong place”. Huh? It’s always done its job before, delivering gas to the cooker… “Nah, mate – it’s the law. Gotta be directly behind the cooker”. And then… I knew it was going to happen… he SUCKED IN THROUGH HIS TEETH. This is really bad. This is going to need special parts.
However, it seems that even special parts won’t rescue this situation… “can’t be done, mate – you better hang on to that old cooker for a while, coz I’m not allowed to fit this one”. I called his bluff… “Ah well, can’t be helped, eh? We’ll just get a full refund from Currys”. HA! I’m getting the hang of this. Tradesmen want to feel that they have a special ability, that they’re party to arcane knowledge. You just have to act like you don’t give a shit, and the illusion vanishes in a puff of smoke. “Nah, don’t worry, mate – we’ll put a flexible hose on there and you’ll be fine”.
So, again, why even raise the issue? This is the Tradesman Mind Game once again.
Cooker finally installed, Terry does a few cursory checks. “Course, you’ll never be able to use this thing properly”. Blimey, that one catches me completely unawares, and I flinch inwardly as he notices my shock with obvious delight. “There’s too much sediment in the pipes. You won’t be able to get a strong enough flow to run all four rings and the oven”.
Sediment. SEDIMENT?
This is obviously the Tradesman Mind Game yet again, but Terry never gets the chance to follow this particular train of thought. Testing the oven and grill, he realises there’s ACTUALLY SOMETHING WRONG. The burners won’t stay lit; as soon as you stop pressing the knob in, the gas supply cuts out. So how does he deal with this awkward little problem? Dismiss it with a quick fix? Nope… this is a real problem, so he deals with it in style, by scuttling out of the door as fast as he can, advising me to call Currys instantly.
Not surprisingly, I don’t. I call the manufacturers, who send a technician round. A technician with qualifications and quantifiable ability, who has no need to bolster his self-worth with bullshit. Who fixes the problem, without any fuss, in about 30 seconds.